Dowries v. Diamonds

Today I did something I never (ever!) imagined I would do. I attended a Ruracio. A ruracio is a Kikuyu wedding ceremony where the family of the groom comes to pay the bride price (dowry). Yep. I thought I found out in route that this is what we were going to do. When I first found out that Kenya had dowries, I had a lot of emotions regarding the topic. This practice is foreign to me and I'm still not fully used to this cultural norm. In the old days (pre-Christianity), this ceremony was the actual wedding. Following the ceremony, the couple was considered married and was free to partake in married people activities. However, since Christianity was introduced, this tradition has been upheld and happens prior to a church ceremony.  

When we arrived we passed through the groom's family who was gathered in the street outside the bride's family compound. I was with the District Elder who cared for the bride's family so we proceeded through the gate where we were met by the other family and friends there to support the bride. The ceremony started when the groom's family paraded down the street chanting traditional Kikuyu choruses. When they arrived at the bride's family home, they knocked at the gate. The bride's family stood behind the gate and sang to the folks on the other side. By the way, only the women sing during this part of the ceremony and the whole thing was in Kikuyu so I learned what was going on after it happened. The bride's party sang a chant asking why the other people were outside and they replied (in song) why they had come. This banter continued back and forth for a while as the bride's party kept asking the groom's party to be louder. By the end of it, everyone was screaming and the groom's family was using car horns to help make noise too. What a racket! 

When the noise was loud enough to burst eardrums, the gates were opened and the groom's party processed onto the family property and under the tents to find their seats. The women carried huge bags of flour, maize, and other food goods as a gift to the bride's family. The singing continued until everyone found their seats. Then, the family of the bride welcomed everyone and prayed over the meal. Then the MC took over the mic and had us all laughing as we waited for our food. By us, I mean everyone except me because the whole thing was in Kikuyu. The parents of the groom and their siblings processed through the tents and headed to the buffet line. Later, the groom and his friends also danced through the tent to go get food. Then we were summoned table by table to get food.  

After the meal, the ceremony continued. Lots of Kikuyu choruses were sung - I even knew a few of them and could chime in. Then, each member of both families was introduced and lots of pleasantries were exchanged. Eventually the groom and his friends processed out again. I wasn't sure where they were going and they ended up processing all the way out the front gate. This had me super confused. Apparently, they were going to look for the bride (who had not made an appearance yet). This is a tradition and is almost like hide and seek. The bride was hiding in the chamba (garden) and was supposed to be look like she had been working. She carried a heavy load of grain and wore an apron. Underneath all that, she had on a very sparkly black and gold dress (to match the groom's outfit) and 4 inch stilettos. Obviously she was working hard in the chamba. The procession continued to the stage area and the groom's family greeted her. Then, the MC made lots of jokes that went over my head. There was lots of touching the bride's head to signify welcoming her into the family. Then she was adorned with nice jewelry that the groom's family gave her as a welcome present. At the end, the couple's parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles processed into the house to negotiate the price of the dowry. This is a big group discussion among all of them but the conversation is led by the father's of the couple. Traditionally the bride price was paid in goats (as in like several hundred goats.... who needs that many goats?). Now, it is monetary. In modern times, parents agree on how many goats and then the groom's family pays the going market price per goat. The dowry is supposed to be big enough that you can't pay for it all that day, but not big enough to make the groom's family go broke. It is often paid over decades. There used to be a set price (450 goats) but thanks to capitalism, it is subject to change. Often bride prices that are too high become points of contention in the family for the rest of the marriage. It is an agreement made between families (the couple is not present for the discussion) and is typically paid by the families. The groom's family pays a majority of the dowry to the bride's parents the day of this ceremony. Any aunts and uncles who come to help negotiate on the bride's behalf get a portion of the loot. This all happens behind closed doors so I didn't witness it. All this information is what other people told me. Most Americans probably have a strong reaction to dowries. However, asking parents for their child's hand in marriage is still widely practiced in the United States. Instead of paying a dowry of goats, an expensive ring is expected to be purchased by the one popping the question. While diamonds and dowries are different types of traditions, are they really all that different? This left me thinking.... what do our marital traditions reflect about our values? ~ Nell in Nairobi